Curing the “If Only’s”
6 September 2007We’ve all done it. You think to yourself, “everything would fall in to place if only…” or “I would be truly happy, if only…”. I know I have done it from time to time. Whether its “if only I was in a relationship” or “if only I had the new iPod“, the thinking itself is faulty. If you have found yourself in this position, one of two things is happening:
1) You’re wrong: It’s possible you’re 100% wrong. You would not be happy in the situation you are envisioning, its just a safe concept to place the blame on for your unhappiness. If the “If only” you are focusing on is completely out of your hands, this is the more likely of the two. We tend to prefer to place blame on things that are out of our hands, because we feel more comfortable with it. We do not have to evaluate ourselves, or change our game plan, theres “nothing that can be done”. If this is the case, the only real method to remedy your thinking is to realize its flaw, and reevaluate your life to see what is truly making you unhappy, focusing instead on the items that are in your hands.
2) You’re putting too much pressure on a good thing: Yes, it’s entirely possible that being in a relationship or having the new iPod WOULD, in fact, make you happy. But if you are relying on one change in your life to completely switch your mindset from unhappy to happy, you are putting far too much pressure on that change. Under such pressure, the change can end only in failure.
For instance, say your life is not where you feel it should be. You’re in a job that doesn’t make you enough money, you haven’t be exercising like you resolved to, and you’re lonely for some intimacy. If you take any one of those problems by themselves, and apply the weight of your entire unhappiness to it, you will not succeed in conquering it. You will apply 2-weeks to your weight-loss program, and still feel blue about your job every morning. This dissatisfaction will then wear at you, until you give up on your exercising again, and return right back where you started.
So what is to be done? It’s pretty simple, really, and I’m sure you’ve already realized. Give each item in your life that you feel could be improved its proper attention, and nothing more. Watch out for situations where you are applying too much pressure to one particular problem or its fix. In addition to this realize that, generally speaking, no one person or thing should have the power to make you wholly happy or unhappy. To be healthy, you should be capable of removing any one happy aspect of your life, and still remain relatively optimistic. If you can’t envision your life without your job, perhaps its time to reevaluate your priorities. If you can’t imagine going on if the girl you asked out rejects you, likewise, its time to reevaluate your priorities.
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